Happy Halloween.

Worship the Maze.

Ugh, I can feel myself getting sick. Like, not-just-a-cold-probably-a-bad-flu sick. NOOOO. I WILL FIGHT YOU, BODY.  Having to stay at work late is probably not helping. 

Have some photos from the Haunted Trolley Tour!

Hard to read, but it says 'Only Sleeping.'

The grave of Janet Smith, murder victim.

The prisoner is masturbating. Don't get too close.

And a bonus one from the Corn Maze. I misread the sign and figured we had a Children of the Corn situation going on.

Actually, even reading the @ doesn't help...

Haunted (when the minutes drag)

Every year I have a checklist of 'shit to do before Halloween.' The list tends to stay fairly consistent, as events tend to be annual. This year I've made an effort to shift  the focus from the blood-and-guts jump-scare aspect of the holiday to the more autumnal and haunting side.

Partially this is because I am a horror fan - serial killers and zombies don't belong to October, in my mind. That shit is all year round.  Ghosts on the other hand, really do seem to thrive as the weather turns cold, and monsters go with Halloween like Nutella goes with everything.

So. No gore flicks. Monster Squad, Elvira, Tales from the Darkside and every ghost movie ever rule the day. I haven't been to any haunted attractions - I enjoy them, but I've chosen instead to put my budget toward things like the Chilliwack Corn Maze, the Vancouver Haunted Trolley tour, and of course the Stanley Park Ghost Train. (This year's theme was Classic Movie Monsters. Perfect.) Today I'll be going to Burnaby to check out the 'Haunted Village.'

The weather has been perfect for October, alternating between sunny and foggy. Although I haven't made it out to the cemetery besides as part of the trolley tour, I have taken several walks through crisp autumn leaves and also along the seawall in the dense fog. I feel badly for my sister sometimes - October is her busiest month, and consequently she's said it doesn't feel like Halloween is so close.

Some holidays are just that - days. Halloween (and I guess Christmas) is different. It's a month-long celebration of spooky shit, a fantastical meeting of death and sex. I feel fortunate that I have had time to enjoy the pumpkin spice lattes and ciders, to make paper decorations for the walls, and to simply enjoy the atmosphere peculiar to this time of year.

They keep stolen souls in that pumpkin.

Now. Links.

Jezebel's Annual Halloween Thread Party. - Although the website has been on a steady decline in terms of good content, I do check in occasionally. I was pleased to see that they're doing another scary story thread, along with links to past years' tales. 

 
One of my favourite podcasts is Last Podcast on the Left. (My sister and I frequently reference it, and have taken to screaming about bones in the chocolate.) My absolute favourite episodes of the show are the Creepypasta ones, which I will now list here.

Creepypasta!- The very first, highlighting some of the better known stories.

A Smattering of Creepy - Includes the pug parade, and a real life serial killer call,

The Hamburgering -The boys explain how to play the Midnight Game.

Then Who Was Phone?! - The very, very best. If you listen to only one of these? Listen to this one, specifically around the 25 minute mark.

Babybum - The latest instalment. Ben Kissel's bedroom, talking to God, and the eternal mystery of who was phone. We still don't know.

More Horror Gaming

Found this one via Pewdiepie!

Lakeview Cabin.

I enjoyed barfing everywhere.

I'm Not Done.

I wasn't going to go for a run tonight.

I stayed late at work - which is ridiculous lately - and came home feeling exhausted. I figured I'd just get caught up on some online business, and then sink in to watch some shitty TV and maybe do some reading.

Every so often it just takes one little thing to throw off your whole evening. My mood has been dipping a little as we get closer to the end of the month; Halloween remains my favourite holiday, but it's undeniable that one year ago it marked the breaking point of a whole MESS of shit that left me mired in a depressed state for months afterwards. Honestly, it was probably the worst point of my adult life - every day was grey, I'd cry for no reason and be unable to stop, and it was the only time I have ever been able to comprehend why people might want to harm themselves bodily.

Anyway, I found myself suddenly upset in that you only ever are when you let shit build up, and I decided that instead of moping I'd run down to the ocean and back. I did, getting more and more pissed as I did so. I got to the water very quickly, and sat down alone on a dock. Anger dissipated, and instead I found myself near tears.

Before I could get to weeping, an older dude with a bike approached and asked if I'd seen any empty bottles or cans. I replied I had not, and he asked if I knew of anywhere in the city that did hiring - he was from back East and had been in Vancouver three months with no job. He was not drunk or high or aggressive. He was a sheet metal worker named James. I directed him as best I could to the job centre downtown (which was not very well, I'm afraid) and we parted ways.

That's a dude with REAL problems. Who happens to have the same name as two of my deceased grandfathers.

On the run back I felt no anger, no sadness. Some cute dude in a suit on a bike asked for directions, then asked if I was running. "Yup, but not well," said I, so he rode along beside me til he reached the pizza joint, yelling, "you can do it!"


We do not always get to choose how things work out for us. I am privileged to be working at a job that I enjoy, and living in an apartment and area that I adore. I have good friends, and a wonderful family. I am physically in the best shape I've been in since my mid twenties, and my mind is alert. I have unconventional hobbies, but they mean a great deal to me as I am uninterested in leading a life unexamined.

I am not at the mercy of every little annoyance. Not tonight, not anymore.

The Bitching Hour

You guys.

I hate American Horror Story. Hate it. But season three's opening?

How did they film the inside of my brain?! My every day is scored by people who've been on NIN albums!

That being said, there's more than just American Shit Story's take on witches hitting the small screen this year. YouTube, seeing the crap I've watched, helpfully told me, "you may also enjoy... The Witches of East End."

No, YouTube. I don't think I will. Except in the way that I'll totally watch it because they cancelled that other witch show I was hate-watching. And it's on Lifetime. Have you ever watched a Lifetime movie?!  This is amazing shit right here.

(YouTube also frequently recommends me things like 'BABY MERMAID BIRTH CONFIRMED' or 'They Live in Trees! Skunk Ape Documentary' alongside shows on serial killers. Also 'Say Yes to the Dress.' So it is not to be trusted.)

Halloween Cocktail: Bourbon edition

Stole these from Martha Stewart, tested em while Halloween crafting with my bud Kat.

Ice
6 ounces bourbon (I use Bulliet) 
4 teaspoons  lemonjuice
2 teaspoons maple syrup 
1 cup apple cider
Cayenne pepper 

Shake shake shake, senora, in your cocktail shaker. Makes 4 drinks. I forgot the cayenna after the first one, noticed no real difference. 




3/4 cup apple cider 
1/3 cup bourbon
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 thin slices fresh peeled ginger

Shake shake shake, again.

Driiiiiiiiiiiink. 

Mistress of the Dork

So, as you may already know, Elvira is one of my personal heroes. Last year I had enough hair to do a decent approximation of her look, but of course I have short hair now and that is not an option. So when I decided to be a bit lazy this year and do Elvira for Halloween again, I had to go out and buy a wig.

Naturally, I could not find a single Elvira wig in Vancouver. While at the new Target in PoCo I found a 'bouffant' wig for twelve bucks that I figured I could put together with another long black one I had leftover from last year's Abracadaver. No problem, right?

Yeeeeeeeeeah, no. 

Now, for twelve bucks I wasn't expecting much, but this wig was THE mankiest goddamn thing I have ever seen, and looked absolutely nothing like the box picture. Worse, as soon as I started to try and examine the damn thing it basically unravelled. 

Undaunted, I attacked the fucking thing with scissors, rubber bands, a needle and thread, and bourbon. Eventually I tamed Sir Manks-A-Lot into a puffy base, upon which I could put the better quality long black wig. Here are fake!instagram pictures of the result. 

U: Uncrossing for Idiots

This post is part of the Pagan Blog Project.

"I don't trust any of you dogfuckers." 
- Spider Jerusalem 

I can literally do the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram in my sleep, did you know that? Can and have - perfect ritual in the middle of a fucking dream. This doesn't make me badass so much as it makes me anal retentive, I'm sure, but it's still not a bad skill to have when you've devoted your life to sticking your nose where it doesn't belong spiritually. There is shit out there that you do not want on you.

I first read Dion Fortune's classic Psychic Self Defense when I was in my late teens or early twenties. It was the first time Fortune's work seemed to make any real sense, and even then it seemed antiquated - it was easy to imagine Crowley and his contemporaries hurtling magical attacks at one another (since, uh, they did) but to actually worry about that shit in modern life? Yeah, I'm so sure that asshole on the other end of  a yahoo mailing list bragging about his Demon Powerz was suuuuuuch a threat.

Here's the thing, though - I still have Fortune's book. And in terms of self defense? I've added to the arsenal of books on the subject. Jason Miller's Protection and Reversal Magick is my favourite, but I have several recipe books full of floorwashes, incenses, baths and the like. This does not mean that I believe everyone in the world is out to get me. I just realise that very often people will put their shit on you without even meaning to.

You can view uncrossing through a psychological lens if you like - pressures of life and ways to decompress from them, etc etc, giving yourself a sense of control and so on and so forth. Magic as placebo. That's cool, you rock on with your bad self, I totally agree with all of it. I just also believe in malefica and malochia.

You can believe in science and magic both.

Because of this, I am a big fan of regular spiritual checkups and preventative measures. I am also more likely that some people to take people seriously when they say they think they've been jinxed.

Can't hurt, might help - this is generally the way I approach the whole people asking for uncrossing work thing, unless the person is CLEARLY unstable and has an addictive personality. (It's the same with tarot - if you know a person is just looking to reinforce their own beliefs/can't function without a sense of outside force, you do not work for them.)

I don't think people are often cursed maliciously by people who know what they're doing - in the circles I run in, there are shockingly few active practitioners, and those that do are generally very positive people. I suspect this is true of the greater population as well. But there's a small chance, still. More likely is accidental jinxing, through sheer force of will.

So, for whatever reason, you think maybe someone or something has fucked you up. You feel 'out of step with time' to quote Jason Miller, your luck sucks, you keep breaking shit, you get headaches for no apparent reason... What do you do?

The simplest thing to do, I think, is to take an uncrossing bath. There are loads and loads of recipes for these, but my in-a-hurry formula is salt, essential oil of sandalwood, rosemary, and lavender, or Florida water. I also have basil and rosemary plants so I can make teas to add to the tub quickly.

After an uncrossing bath, I believe one should clean the house as well, both physically and spiritually. So more Florida water in the mop bucket, sage or a Van Van candle burning, and then bang out the LBRP if you're magically inclined. If you maintain an ancestor altar, now is a good time to make sure it's tidy and to make some offerings, too - they can watch your back.

This will generally clean up any accidental Evil Eye bullshit, or clear off things you may have pissed off without realising. If things do not improve, THEN you can consider active hexing. (This is to be considered only after you look at your life and determine that no, it's not just that you do not have your own shit together.) Then you can break out the big guns, depending on your tradition.

In summation, the world is not actively out to get you. It's indifferent. But it is dirty out there, and you will get muck on you whether you ask for it or not. Learn how to clean it off.

Save-On Scares

Seen while checking out.

This sadly falling off the wall scary plastic thing summed up most of the half-assed Halloween offerings crammed onto one shelf.

Clearly a staff member cares, though.

The Best Craigslist Ad

This is my favourite Craigslist posting.

For when it eventually dies, here is the text:

Do you like dipping things into thick melted liquids and then eating it? 
Would you like to impress a date or someone you have a crush on with some sophisticated cooking that is as easy as shit?
Do you like the Swiss? 

Well then fondue most likely, quite possibly, maybe be for you.

Set includes:

-two burners (thats right two! One for cheese and one for chocolate. Or one for hot burning oil, and one for..well...some other sauce you fondue with.)

-classic collectible 1970's fondue book, where its so 70's they call Asian cuisine "oriental." 

-2 bottles of clean odourless burning fluid.

-bundle of skewers (dont worry, you share in fondue)

-2 serving plates. (color coordinated so you don't mix up food dipped in chocolate with things dipped in cheese.)

-certificate of authenticity that means absolutely nothing.

-one cardboard box to hold all this Fondue Funness.

That is all.

Tattoos: Sister Edition

"Thank God for Jet's belladonna, or I'd never get any sleep."

 

"I don't know if you smoke it, or eat it, or what, but I need to try it right now."